There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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