i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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