my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
