So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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