Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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