I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
