but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize