i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
barbara walters just said penis...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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