M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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