My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
