I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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