Swine flu is the new snow day.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
