Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize