Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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