No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
