I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
