Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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