the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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