How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize