You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
