I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
