she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
