I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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