Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i will never coherently bang her
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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