hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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