New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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