I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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