Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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