fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I will pee on everything he values.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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