Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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