i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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