that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
