I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
