There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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