im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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