cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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