we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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