Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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