It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
