Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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