My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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