last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Blood and glitter go together right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
