Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
