Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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