Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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