Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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