OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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