On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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