last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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