I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
