Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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