Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
