She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
