it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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