bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
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