I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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