Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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