The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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