life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
